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ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20)Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are other words that can describe Aries the Ram. Aries are about a subtle as a falling anvil and will think nothing of bellowing their opinions like mantras. Ariesí idea of parity is when they get 99% of the spoils. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists. Those born under the sign of Aries include: Pat Robertson (March 22), Lucrezia Borgia (April 19), Adolph Hitler (April 20).
TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21)Astrology books say they are persevering but thatís just another word for too darn stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. Thereís no stopping them once theyíve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, the opportunity is often stale news. Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin (April 22), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Eva Peron (May 7), Jim Jones (May 13).
GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there arenít too many old friends left to lose. Those born under the sign of Gemini include: Latoya Jackson (May 29), Pat Boone (June 1), Donald Trump (June 14).
CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23)Cancer the Crab is an apt symbol. These people are crabby by nature and cast a pall over any festive gathering with their rampant paranoia. Spending an evening with them is like walking on eggshells laced with glass. Their moodiness is just a thin veneer for a more pathological lunacy. But donít worry; their more excessive displays are usually saved for those they love. Lucky souls! Those born under the sign of Cancer include: Mike Tyson (June 30), Franz Kafka (July 3), O.J. Simpson (July 9), Lizzie Borden (July 19).
LEO (JULY 24 - AUGUST 23)Leos are pompous fools who think they know everything. The fact is that they can become so bamboozled by false flattery that they become unwitting mouthpieces for crooks and connivers. Astrology books say that Leos are ďtheatricalĒ but thatís just another word for boorish, vain and loud. Those born under the sign of Leo include: Benito Mussolini (July 29), Mata Hari (August 7), Kathie Lee Gifford (August 16), Leni Riefenstahl (August 22).
VIRGO (AUGUST 24 - SEPTEMBER 23)Virgos are the cheapest souls in the zodiac who recycle gifts and never buy lunch. Theyíre clean to the point of compulsion and always think that they are right even in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary. Show me a sniveling, ferret-faced nerd who periodically smells his armpits and Iíll show you a Virgo. Those born under the sign of Virgo include: Yasser Arafat (August 27), Caligula (August 31), Joseph Kennedy (September 6).
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 24 - OCTOBER 23)Libras lounge around and say that the world doesnít appreciate them. The fact is that they are lazy and have no intention of making any effort on their own behalf. The astrology books say Libras are charming and diplomatic, but fail to say that they use this to gain sympathy and take advantage. Of all the zodialogical representations, Libra is the only machine (scales). That means they have no heart. Those born under the sign of Libra include: Gore Vidal (October 3), Heinrich Himmler (October 7), Jesse Helms & Lee Harvey Oswald (October 18).
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 22)If Scorpios tend to get the toughest rap in astrology, itís because they deserve it. Nasty, spiteful, bitter and conniving donít even scratch the surface of their layered personality. Sneaky and treacherous even as a kid, their idea of a pleasant afternoon is to pull the wings off flies and slip them in the raisin cookie mix. Deep down, Scorpios are the devil on a bad day. Those born under the sign of Scorpio include: Pat Buchanan (November 2), Roseanne Barr (November 3), Charles Manson (November 12)
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 23 - DECEMBER 22)Astrology books say that Sagittarians are clumsy, frank and loud. Why would anyone want to hang around a yutz like that? They canít keep a secret. They insult multitudes with one ďaccidentalĒ remark and they dress badly. The fact is that Sags are loud mouths and ugly ones at that. Astrology books agree that Sagittarians resemble horses. They omit saying what end. Those born under the sign of Sagittarius include: G. Gorden Liddy (November 30), Kurt Waldheim (December 21), Joseph Stalin (December 21).
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 23 - JANUARY 20)Capricorns would sell their children if they thought they could make a profit. They are mean spirited, pessimistic folks who couldnít have a good time even if they were paid for it (well... maybe if they were paid for it...) Caps succeed in bloody corporate politics because they think nothing of stabbing a friend in the back to get ahead. Most Capricorns are lonely souls, with good reason. Those born under the sign of Capricorn include: Mao Ze Dong (December 26), Jim Bakker (January 2), Richard Nixon (January 9), Howard Stern (January 12).
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 21 - FEBRUARY 19)Astrology books say that Aquarians are humanitarians who strive for the common good. That just means that they stink in one to one relationships. Aquarians are cold and calculating opportunists who set themselves up as standard bearers of the downtrodden for their own self glorification. Aquarians are always butting their noses in other peopleís business; not out of concern but out of ego. Those born under the sign of Aquarius include: Benedict Arnold (January 25), Ayn Rand (February 2), Eva Braun (February 6), Rasputin (January 22).
PISCES (FEBRUARY 20 - MARCH 20)Pisces are sneaky and underhanded and tend to be vainly self absorbed. They think nothing of sponging off friends, guzzling the milk of human kindness and leaving them high and dry when a deeper source appears. Astrology books say that Pisces are prone to depression; no wonder considering how they treat others. Those born under the sign of Pisces include: James Earl Ray (March 10), Jerry Lewis (March 16), Adolph Eichmann (March 19).
For a double-dose of poison, read both your Sun sign and Ascendant.
C. Lichtenstein, a Sagittarian, doesnít want to hurt anyoneís feelings but canít help it.
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