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Dear Madam Lichtenstein

 

Stargayzer
Poisonality Plus — What the astrology books don’t tell you
In case you haven’t noticed, astrology is not in the business of telling the complete truth. That’s why traits like “cheap”, “spiteful”and “ugly” become “thrifty”, “intense” and “good personality”. Why pay good hard earned money to be insulted and called an asshole (unless that’s your kind of a thing and hey, I have no problem with that). Before you send over a bottle of champagne to that megahunk at the end of the bar, first find out his sign and consult the following.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are more like Aries the Ram. Rams are about a subtle as tight Levis stuffed with socks and think nothing of pointing out the deficiencies of others. Aries’ idea of parity is when they get 99% and work on the rest. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists.
Mitigating factors: Great to shop with (such a deal!) but wear a disguise.
Those born under the sign of Aries include: Pat Robertson, Lucrezia Borgia, Adolph Hitler.

TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 21)
Astrology books say they are persevering but HA! Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There’s no stopping them once they’ve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, nobody’s around to hear what they finally said.
Mitigating factors: Fun at orgies especially if catered.
Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin, Saddam Hussein, Eva Peron, Jim Jones.

GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21)
Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there aren’t too many old friends left to lose.
Mitigating factors: Great for cast-offs and leftovers.
Those born under the sign of Gemini include: Latoya Jackson, Pat Boone, Donald Trump.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 23)
Cancer the Crab is an apt symbol. These people are crabby by nature and cast a pall over any festive gathering with their rampant paranoia. Spending an evening with them is like walking on eggshells laced with glass. Their moodiness is just a thin veneer for a more pathological lunacy. But don’t worry; their more excessive displays are usually saved for those they love. Lucky them!
Mitigating factors: Revenge — sit them next to your ex.
Those born under the sign of Cancer include: Mike Tyson, Franz Kafka, O.J. Simpson, Lizzie Borden.

LEO (Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Leos are tiresome divas who think they know everything and everybody. The fact is that they can become so bamboozled by false flattery that they become unwitting mouthpieces for hangers on and lounge rats. Astrology books say that Leos are “theatrical” but that’s just another word for boorish, vain and loud. They are usually found in noisy bars with scrapbooks.
Mitigating factors: Eliminates need for having an opinion or deciding anything.
Those born under the sign of Leo include: Benito Mussolini, Mata Hari, Kathie Lee Gifford, Leni Riefenstahl.

VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Virgos are the cheapest souls in the zodiac who recycle gifts and never buy lunch. They’re clean to the point of compulsion and always think that they are right even in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary. Show me a sniveling, ferret-faced nerd who periodically smells his armpits and I’ll show you a Virgo.
Mitigating factors: Do terrific laundry, immaculate bathrooms and kitchens.
Those born under the sign of Virgo include: Andrew Cunanan, Yasser Arafat, Caligula, Joseph Kennedy.

LIBRA (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
Libras lounge around and say that the world doesn’t appreciate them. The fact is that they are lazy and have no intention of making any effort on their own behalf. The astrology books say Libras are charming and diplomatic, but fail to say that they use this to gain sympathy and take advantage. Of all the zodialogical representations, Libra is the only machine (scales). That means they have no heart.
Mitigating factors: Good therapy practice. Makes you look like you’re getting ahead, comparatively.
Those born under the sign of Libra include: Gore Vidal, Heinrich Himmler, Jesse Helms, Lee Harvey Oswald.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
If Scorpios tend to get the toughest rap in astrology, it’s because they deserve it. Nasty, spiteful, bitter and conniving don’t even scratch the surface of their layered personality. Sneaky and treacherous even as a kid, their idea of a pleasant afternoon is to pull the wings off flies and slip them in the raisin cookie mix. Deep down, Scorpios are the devil on a bad day.
Mitigating factors: ...well let me think of something cruel...
Those born under the sign of Scorpio include: Pat Buchanan, Roseanne Barr, Charles Manson.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
Astrology books say that Sagittarians are clumsy, frank and loud. Why would anyone want to hang around a social embarrassment like that? They can’t keep a secret. They insult multitudes with one “accidental” remark and they dress badly. The fact is that Sags are loud mouths and ugly ones at that. Astrology books agree that Sagittarians resemble horses. They omit saying what end.
Mitigating factors: Interesting to observe awkward moments getting worse.
Those born under the sign of Sagittarius include: G. Gorden Liddy, Kurt Waldheim, Joseph Stalin.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 20)
Capricorns would sell their souls if they thought they could make a profit. They are mean spirited, pessimistic folks who couldn’t have a good time even if they were paid for it (well... maybe if they were paid for it...) Caps succeed in bloody corporate politics because they think nothing of stabbing a friend in the back to get ahead. Most Capricorns are lonely souls, with good reason.
Mitigating factors: Light up a room when they leave.
Those born under the sign of Capricorn include: Mao Ze Dong, Jim Bakker, Richard Nixon, Howard Stern.

AQUEERIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Astrology books say that Aqueerians are humanitarians who strive for the common good. That just means that they stink in one to one relationships. Aquarians are cold and calculating opportunists who set themselves up as standard bearers of the downtrodden for their own self glorification. Aquarians are always butting their noses in other people’s business; not out of concern but out of ego.
Mitigating factors: Somebody has to join the religious right....
Those born under the sign of Aquarius include: Benedict Arnold, Ayn Rand, Eva Braun, Rasputin.

PISCES (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
Pisces are sneaky and underhanded and tend to be vainly self absorbed. They think nothing of sponging off friends, guzzling the milk of human kindness and see you later when another dairy looms large. Astrology books say that Pisces are prone to depression; no wonder considering how they treat others.
Mitigating factors: Makes a good partner for bridge because they cheat.
Those born under the sign of Pisces include: James Earl Ray, Jerry Lewis, Adolph Eichmann.

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