Your Monthly Horoscope
Love Signs: An astrogolical public service
is an Ascendant?
Stonewall Riots, an astrological interpretation
Coming Out Month, a special astrological profile of all the closets
in your chart
best results, read both your Sun sign and Ascendant.
To order a calculation of your ascendant,
please click here.
Plus What the astrology books dont tell you
case you havent noticed, astrology is not in the business of telling
the complete truth. Thats why traits like cheap, spitefuland
ugly become thrifty, intense and good
personality. Why pay good hard earned money to be insulted and called
an asshole (unless thats your kind of a thing and hey, I have no
problem with that). Before you send over a bottle of champagne to that
megahunk at the end of the bar, first find out his sign and consult the
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant
are more like Aries the Ram. Rams are about a subtle as tight Levis stuffed
with socks and think nothing of pointing out the deficiencies of others. Aries
idea of parity is when they get 99% and work on the rest. In war, they
are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists.
Mitigating factors: Great to shop with (such
a deal!) but wear a disguise.
Those born under the sign of Aries include:
Pat Robertson, Lucrezia Borgia, Adolph Hitler.
(Apr 21 - May 21)
Astrology books say they are persevering but HA! Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. Theres no stopping them once theyve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, nobodys around to hear what they finally said.
Mitigating factors: Fun at orgies especially
Those born under the sign of Taurus include:
Lenin, Saddam Hussein, Eva Peron, Jim Jones.
(May 22 - Jun 21)
Fickle, flighty and just plain annoying; sound vaguely familiar? Geminis
are always looking for the best deal for themselves even if it means stepping on the backs of old friends to get it. On the bright side, Geminis toss off friends as fast as they make them so there arent too many old friends left to lose.
Mitigating factors: Great for cast-offs and
Those born under the sign of Gemini include:
Latoya Jackson, Pat Boone, Donald Trump.
(Jun 22 - Jul 23)
Cancer the Crab is an apt symbol. These people are crabby by nature and
cast a pall over any festive gathering with their rampant paranoia. Spending
an evening with them is like walking on eggshells laced with glass. Their moodiness is just a thin veneer for a more pathological lunacy. But dont
worry; their more excessive displays are usually saved for those they love. Lucky them!
Mitigating factors: Revenge sit them
next to your ex.
Those born under the sign of Cancer include:
Mike Tyson, Franz Kafka, O.J. Simpson, Lizzie Borden.
(Jul 24 - Aug 23)
Leos are tiresome divas who think they know everything and everybody.
The fact is that they can become so bamboozled by false flattery that they
become unwitting mouthpieces for hangers on and lounge rats. Astrology books
say that Leos are theatrical but thats just another word
for boorish, vain and loud. They are usually found in noisy bars with scrapbooks.
Mitigating factors: Eliminates need for having
an opinion or deciding anything.
Those born under the sign of Leo include:
Benito Mussolini, Mata Hari, Kathie Lee Gifford, Leni Riefenstahl.
(Aug 24 - Sep 23)
Virgos are the cheapest souls in the zodiac who recycle gifts and never
buy lunch. Theyre clean to the point of compulsion and always think
that they are right even in the face of unassailable evidence to the contrary. Show
me a sniveling, ferret-faced nerd who periodically smells his armpits and
Ill show you a Virgo.
Mitigating factors: Do terrific laundry,
immaculate bathrooms and kitchens.
Those born under the sign of Virgo include:
Andrew Cunanan, Yasser Arafat, Caligula, Joseph Kennedy.
(Sep 24 - Oct 23)
Libras lounge around and say that the world doesnt appreciate them.
The fact is that they are lazy and have no intention of making any effort on their
own behalf. The astrology books say Libras are charming and diplomatic, but
fail to say that they use this to gain sympathy and take advantage. Of all
the zodialogical representations, Libra is the only machine (scales). That
means they have no heart.
Mitigating factors: Good therapy practice.
Makes you look like youre getting ahead, comparatively.
Those born under the sign of Libra include:
Gore Vidal, Heinrich Himmler, Jesse Helms, Lee Harvey Oswald.
(Oct 24 - Nov 22)
If Scorpios tend to get the toughest rap in astrology, its because
they deserve it. Nasty, spiteful, bitter and conniving dont even scratch
the surface of their layered personality. Sneaky and treacherous even as a
kid, their idea of a pleasant afternoon is to pull the wings off flies and
slip them in the raisin cookie mix. Deep down, Scorpios are the devil on a
Mitigating factors: ...well let me think
of something cruel...
Those born under the sign of Scorpio include:
Pat Buchanan, Roseanne Barr, Charles Manson.
(Nov 23 - Dec 22)
Astrology books say that Sagittarians are clumsy, frank and loud. Why
would anyone want to hang around a social embarrassment like that? They cant
keep a secret. They insult multitudes with one accidental remark
and they dress badly. The fact is that Sags are loud mouths and ugly ones at that. Astrology
books agree that Sagittarians resemble horses. They omit saying what end.
Mitigating factors: Interesting to observe
awkward moments getting worse.
Those born under the sign of Sagittarius
include: G. Gorden Liddy, Kurt Waldheim, Joseph Stalin.
(Dec 23 - Jan 20)
Capricorns would sell their souls if they thought they could make a profit. They are mean spirited, pessimistic folks who couldnt have a good
time even if they were paid for it (well... maybe if they were paid for it...) Caps
succeed in bloody corporate politics because they think nothing of stabbing a friend in the back to get ahead. Most Capricorns are lonely souls, with
Mitigating factors: Light up a room when
Those born under the sign of Capricorn include:
Mao Ze Dong, Jim Bakker, Richard Nixon, Howard Stern.
(Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Astrology books say that Aqueerians are humanitarians who strive for the common good. That just means that they stink in one to one relationships. Aquarians are cold and calculating opportunists who set themselves up as standard bearers of the downtrodden for their own self glorification. Aquarians are always butting their noses in other peoples business; not out of concern but out of ego.
Mitigating factors: Somebody has to join
the religious right....
Those born under the sign of Aquarius include:
Benedict Arnold, Ayn Rand, Eva Braun, Rasputin.
(Feb 20 - Mar 20)
Pisces are sneaky and underhanded and tend to be vainly self absorbed.
They think nothing of sponging off friends, guzzling the milk of human
kindness and see you later when another dairy looms large. Astrology books
say that Pisces are prone to depression; no wonder considering how they
Mitigating factors: Makes a good partner
for bridge because they cheat.
Those born under the sign of Pisces include:
James Earl Ray, Jerry Lewis, Adolph Eichmann.